Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix

Have you heard? They say the Dark Lord is back. They say he killed a kid at the Tri-Wizard Tournament. ‘At’s a bunch of rubbish, don’t you read The Prophet. Potter kid’s making the whole thing up he is, trying to get his name in the papers an such.

Thats right friends we’re back for another fun filled year at Hogwarts and have we got some shit to sort through this year. I mean we’re all still mourning Edwar-…I mean Cedric’s death. Parents are apprehensive about letting their children return to a school that has, on at least two occasions, had a teacher attempt to murder a student. Speaking of murdering students, Voldemort is back in all his pissed off wonder and you can’t help but think he had some influence in the decision to appoint Dolores Umbridge as the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. Yes my friends its going to be another wonderful year full of excitement, danger and haircuts, lets dig in.

After a day of frolicking in the park, Harry and his best buddy Dudley are attacked by Dementors. Luckily Harry knows how to defend against them and chases them off with a Patronus but in doing so violates the “Underage Use of Magic in the Muggle World in Front of a Muggle, While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood” law. After a bullshit trial, Harrys name is cleared and he gets to return to Hogwarts. Once there he learns that the new DATDA teacher is the same bitch that was trying to get him expelled at his trial. In her first class Ms. Umbridge informs the students that there is no need to learn how to defend against dark magic because life is all rainbows and kittens. Harry and the gang decide to start a secret club where they will teach themselves. Shit hits the fan, Umbridge takes over Hogwarts and by the end theres no doubt that He Who Must Not Be Named is back in black… cue AC/DC.

At just over two hours, the second longest book somehow became the second shortest movie. I’m glad they were still able to hit almost all of the high points of the book without having to sacrifice too much. I’ve got to give special mention to Imelda Staunton who brought life to the one character that most fans hate more than Voldemort. I can’t watch this film without the phrase “what an unbelievable cunt” involuntarily slipping out. Well done.

The dark clouds that formed in The Goblet have set up shop in The Order and its going to be a while before we see the sun again. Till next time friends, stay entertained.

-D

@ShitAboutFuck
@dhbates87
@onetripdown

Harry Potter and The Chamber Of Secrets

“Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts”

Like hell! Last year we had a three headed dog, a mountain troll, ghosts, Quidditch, huge feasts, learned some magic and got to save the day. Why wouldn’t you go back. Seriously, you would have to lock me in my room and bar the windows to keep me from going back.

Trying to stay out of trouble while patiently waiting for the summer to end, Harry finds himself being forced to hide as The Assholes prepare for a small dinner party. While upstairs “pretending he doesn’t exist” Harry gets a visit from Dobby the house elf. Seems he’s come to warn Harry that danger and certain death await him should he return to Hogwarts. Harry insists he will return, Dobby drops a cake on a dinner guest and Harry is locked in his room, with bars on the windows. Harry gets sprung by the Weaslys in their fathers flying car, is introduced to traveling via Floo powder and we find out where Draco gets his bad attitude from. I’d love to tell you more but you’ll have to open the chamber for yourselves…see what I did there…

Where The Stone introduced us to The Wizarding World, The Chamber dares us to come back, delve deeper and stay a little longer. By a little longer I mean this film clocks at nearly three hours, so have your snacks close at hand. Sadly this was the last time Richard Harris would portray Dumbledore, a few weeks prior to the American opening of this film, he lost his battle with Hodgkins Disease. Beware the heir of Slytherin and till next time friends, stay entertained.

Harry Potter and The Sorcerers Stone

I ventured into the world of Harry Potter one evening after searching through the aisles of a local video store and finding nothing else that caught my eye. At the time I had no real interest in the wizarding world. Sure I was aware of the popularity of the Potter. I had seen the lines of parents and children, dressed in costume outside of bookstores waiting for the midnight release of each new novel. The same was seen outside theaters with the release of each film but for some reason I had skipped over these films. After that night I was a fan.

If you’ve never given this film a chance I’ll try not to spoil it for you here, off we go…

Harry is an orphan being raised by a couple of assholes along side their own asshole child. They treat him awfully until one day a letter arrives for Harry, one which Aunt and Uncle Asshole don’t want him to see. They destroy it and another arrives and the cycle continues, with the number of letters multiplying, until they pack up and head off to a shack on an island. There in the middle of the night we’re introduced to Hagrid and find out that Harry is a wizard. From there its magical surprises, creatures and places at nearly every turn.

While I did arrive late to Platform 9 3/4 I’m happy to say I didn’t miss the train entirely. I was able to catch up on the first four films before hitting the theater for the rest. Along the way I started reading the books, avoiding each until I had watched the corresponding film. That way, everything that the people who had read the books first and were pissed about, I viewed those same occurrences as little surprises.

Don’t avoid these films because you’ve dismissed them as “kids stuff”, it’s true the books were aimed at a younger audience but thankfully J.K. Had the good sense to make them fun for adults too.Till next time friends, stay entertained.

-D

@ShitAboutFuck
@dhbates87
@onetripdown

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

When I first watched the trailer for this movie I was intrigued but gave it a pass in theaters. After watching it today, I’m glad I did.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a horrible film. There were some laughs, decent special effects and even some brief nudity. The story is one we all know: kids left in forest stumble upon house made of candy and begin to nibble, witch throws them in a cage and tries to fatten them up so she can cook and eat them, kids push witch in oven committing first step towards becoming sociopaths…or something like that.

Don’t go into this film expecting anything more than what it is, a fairy tale stretched to almost ninety minutes. The actors turn in decent performances, Peter Stormare does his asshole routine and Jeremy Renner stops by in between Avengers and Mission: Impossible sequels. Gemma Arterton as Hansel’s ass-kicking, foul mouthed sister Gretel, is the other half of the witch killing duo who’s five year mission is to seek out new life and…no wait, thats another movie, their mission is just to kill witches.

Entertaining but nothing to go out of your way to see, all in all I’d give Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters a : wait for it on Netflix Instant.

-D