Hansel & Gretel Get Baked

While flipping through Netflix this morning, trying to decide what to watch before work, I came across this gem of a film and by gem I mean it should stay buried. I figured it was going to be bad but chose to watch it because I had spent twenty minutes trying to find something and it did have Lara Flynn Boyle’s name attached to it. Midway through it hit me that the last movie I had watched with her in it was Men In Black 2. Anyway, let’s jump in but stay in the shallow end my friends cause we won’t be here long…

Hansel & Gretel are pot heads this time around and the evil witch has got that good. Hansel goes looking to score and gets snatched and kept downstairs where she snacks on him. Gretel’s all like “wheres my brother?” And rival drug dealers are all like “wheres this new weed coming from?” and all roads lead to Boyle or Agnes who has a giant magical pot field in her basement and it has the puppies left over from Resident Evil and theres a big cage and I think there was even a fucking zombie and…I gotta be honest with you friends, about ten or fifteen minutes in and I had picked up the iPad and was only paying partial attention.

Is it fair to write a review of a film that I barely watched: yes, no, who the hell cares, I’ve written this much so we might as well finish. The story and acting are what you should expect from a pot smoking horror movie. If you partake of the kind then you’ll watch this movie, mainly because you’re high and you’ll watch anything that has people smoking weed in it, I know, I been there brother. For those of you that don’t pack you’re vaporizers with kush (really trying to work in as many pot references as I can) you can give it a watch if you want but as for me Hansel & Gretel Get Baked gets a rating of: roll it up, light it up and then realize its ditch weed and toss it away. Stay entertained.

-D

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

When I first watched the trailer for this movie I was intrigued but gave it a pass in theaters. After watching it today, I’m glad I did.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a horrible film. There were some laughs, decent special effects and even some brief nudity. The story is one we all know: kids left in forest stumble upon house made of candy and begin to nibble, witch throws them in a cage and tries to fatten them up so she can cook and eat them, kids push witch in oven committing first step towards becoming sociopaths…or something like that.

Don’t go into this film expecting anything more than what it is, a fairy tale stretched to almost ninety minutes. The actors turn in decent performances, Peter Stormare does his asshole routine and Jeremy Renner stops by in between Avengers and Mission: Impossible sequels. Gemma Arterton as Hansel’s ass-kicking, foul mouthed sister Gretel, is the other half of the witch killing duo who’s five year mission is to seek out new life and…no wait, thats another movie, their mission is just to kill witches.

Entertaining but nothing to go out of your way to see, all in all I’d give Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters a : wait for it on Netflix Instant.

-D