Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix

Posted: February 18, 2014 in Movies, Op-ed, Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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Have you heard? They say the Dark Lord is back. They say he killed a kid at the Tri-Wizard Tournament. ‘At’s a bunch of rubbish, don’t you read The Prophet. Potter kid’s making the whole thing up he is, trying to get his name in the papers an such.

Thats right friends we’re back for another fun filled year at Hogwarts and have we got some shit to sort through this year. I mean we’re all still mourning Edwar-…I mean Cedric’s death. Parents are apprehensive about letting their children return to a school that has, on at least two occasions, had a teacher attempt to murder a student. Speaking of murdering students, Voldemort is back in all his pissed off wonder and you can’t help but think he had some influence in the decision to appoint Dolores Umbridge as the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. Yes my friends its going to be another wonderful year full of excitement, danger and haircuts, lets dig in.

After a day of frolicking in the park, Harry and his best buddy Dudley are attacked by Dementors. Luckily Harry knows how to defend against them and chases them off with a Patronus but in doing so violates the “Underage Use of Magic in the Muggle World in Front of a Muggle, While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood” law. After a bullshit trial, Harrys name is cleared and he gets to return to Hogwarts. Once there he learns that the new DATDA teacher is the same bitch that was trying to get him expelled at his trial. In her first class Ms. Umbridge informs the students that there is no need to learn how to defend against dark magic because life is all rainbows and kittens. Harry and the gang decide to start a secret club where they will teach themselves. Shit hits the fan, Umbridge takes over Hogwarts and by the end theres no doubt that He Who Must Not Be Named is back in black… cue AC/DC.

At just over two hours, the second longest book somehow became the second shortest movie. I’m glad they were still able to hit almost all of the high points of the book without having to sacrifice too much. I’ve got to give special mention to Imelda Staunton who brought life to the one character that most fans hate more than Voldemort. I can’t watch this film without the phrase “what an unbelievable cunt” involuntarily slipping out. Well done.

The dark clouds that formed in The Goblet have set up shop in The Order and its going to be a while before we see the sun again. Till next time friends, stay entertained.

-D

@ShitAboutFuck
@dhbates87
@onetripdown

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